


Between Will and Sacrifice

by Fanofthearts



Series: Healing [1]
Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fix-It, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Talking, they finally talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 23:04:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17907386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthearts/pseuds/Fanofthearts
Summary: After "The Right Kind of Animal" Bernie doesn't leave.





	Between Will and Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you as always to Iordio, this wasn't an easy one to write. 
> 
> Come gush about these two on tumblr with me! Lesbianishstuff

Bernie felt awkward sitting alone in Serena’s house, what was to be their house, she corrected. Was, past tense. She stared at the bottle in front of her, the spotlight above the hob jarred against her eyes. There was an empty tumbler sitting next to it, waiting for the honeyed liquid. She had yet to touch the whiskey. 

She lifted her head when she heard the squeak of the front door, the drop of the keys against the whatnot bowl on the dresser in the hall, the sound of the shoes being kicked off against the floorboards, bracing herself for whatever would happen next. Bernie guessing that Serena knew she was here as she had to have seen her shoes in the hallway. She heard her feet padding lightly against the floor, pausing outside of the door. Bernie took a deep breath, it was now or never. 

The door swung open, their eyes met; Bernie’s eyes settled on Serena’s white knuckled grasp on the door. She felt the anxiety well up in her, the need for flight, to need to run, the need to escape was first and foremost. She pushed it down, hard. She focused on her breath, focused on Serena, on the oaky smell of the whiskey, the feel of the smooth pine under her folded hands. Serena’s blouse was creased, her makeup smudged under her eyes; eyes that were red rimmed. 

“Hey,” She whispered. 

“Hey.” Serena looked down at the floor, continuing into the kitchen and letting the door swing shut behind her. She hesitated at the chair across from Bernie before turning to the fridge, her hand hovered over the open bottle of Shiraz before reaching instead for a jug of chilled water. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some. Her eyes fell on the empty tumbler and looked at Bernie with her eyebrows raised. Bernie nodded, her fingers traced around the rim of her glass. She took a drink of the cool water using the cold sensation to ground herself. 

Serena lingered at the table contemplating what to do before finally sinking into a chair next to Bernie. Her shoulders rigid and jaw tense, she gulped down half of her glass before her eyes met Bernie’s. 

‘Time to be brave.’ Bernie recited over and over in her mind. Her finger reached out and gently touched the back of Serena’s hand. She watched as her breath hitched, her eyes  
flickering down to their hands. “I didn’t think you’d be home so soon.”

“Jason and Greta had the party scheduled to finish at ten, and well-“ Serena let the words hang, the clock above the fridge tick-tocking away in the silence. 

“I don’t want to go back to Nairobi.” 

Serena opened her mouth but Bernie held her hand up, “No, please let me finish.” Serena acquiesced.

“That’s not quite true. Nairobi is a dream job; it was. It was ten months of making a difference in an up and coming hospital. It was establishing a trauma centre from the ground up. It was putting my stamp on things. It was also working until I could hardly see straight but doing so much good. It was exhausting, mentally and physically. You make it sound like I have made such a great sacrifice by walking away from the trauma centre there, but I haven’t. I missed you, I missed my kids, and I missed my home.” She passed the glass back between her hands, it slid against the varnished table with a gentle swoosh. She took a stuttering breath and recited the words that she clung to her heart for the past five months, “I need this to work because I cannot imagine a life without you.”

The tears stung her eyes as she met Serena’s, she rapidly blinked them back. “I can’t Serena, and I don’t want to. We have gone the past year with this, a relationship that feels like a memory. I’m sick of it,” She squeezed her hand and sighed. “When I was home in July you hurt me.” She turned wet eyes to Serena, “Your words, your actions hurt, saying that I wasn’t your family… that bit cut rather deeply.” 

She held her hand up when Serena tried to interject, “It hurt, but we have never talked about it. We went home after and we went to bed, we met with the estate agent for my house the next day, and went back to bed, then you took me to the airport. When you came to Nairobi the next month, we didn’t talk about it then, we haven’t talked about it since. We don’t talk Serena and that is part of our problem.” Bernie’s eyes stared up at the ceiling without seeing, her fringe falling in front of her eyes. 

“I run, I clam up, I deflect with silence, I hate words, I feel awkward. Especially right now…” She trailed off, her thumbnail rubbing against the smoothness of the glass, “I want to run, I want to get up walk out that door without looking back.” She forced herself to look into Serena’s eyes. 

“Why don’t you?” Her words were hard, her pink lips a firm line. 

“Because I love you, because I’m in love with you and I want this to work, I need this to work. I’ll be damned if this is how we leave it.”

“Are you finished?”

Bernie shook her head. “I started seeing a therapist in Kenya, a therapist that is supportive of lesbians was hard to find but I needed one, desperately, especially with the panic attacks…”

“What! Bernie...” Serena pushed her glass to the side, leaning forward against the table her eyes searching Bernie’s face that was hidden from her by her fringe. “What attacks?”

“They started a few months ago, I didn’t want to burden you.” Bernie ran her hand through her hair, “You’ve so much going on in your life and I felt… sometimes that our calls got in the way, you were busy on shift, busy with the baby, with Jason, with Greta. I was busy trying to get everything up and running. I should have told you but I felt that it would be another thing on your plate, another thing for you to worry about, to burden you so I kept it to myself. It got worse. I found someone I could talk to, she is good, very good and she made me take a hard look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I finally felt like I got my head screwed on straight and thought I’d surprise you. I realised what I wanted, I didn’t want to wait, I didn’t think you wanted to wait either. We have talked so much about living together our home being only where the other is, I’d had enough of being apart. I stupidly thought the surprise would be the good part. 

“I felt I’d spoil it if I told you and you would try to talk me into staying in Nairobi but that was wrong of me. If I had paid you more attention. If I had paid more attention to you and to us, you wouldn’t have turned to Dr. Faulkner. I’m horrible at communication but I vow to be better, I promise, if you’ll let me, I’ll be better for us and we can get through this.”

They sat in silence Bernie’s words echoing through their minds, bouncing off the confines of the kitchen soaking into the walls, the counters, the pots and pans. “Please don’t push me away Serena.”

“I-I don’t.” Serena was exhausted to the bone. Shattered, she couldn’t focus, her vision swimming in front of her. It was such a long, long day she felt nauseous. “It's…” She wasn’t sure even where to start. “When you didn’t answer.” Her finger twitched on the table next to Bernie’s, ghosting against her index finger, “Respond, reply to my messages, calls, emails, texts, it felt like Kiev all over again. It hurt so much Bernie, I didn’t know what to think, it felt like everything we had said, everything we had gone through was disappearing into the ether, that we were back to that period after everything that had happened and it hurt. I know that it is not an excuse, not a reason for what happened, but you scare me.”

“I-“ Bernie’s confused eyes searched Serena’s.

Serena held her hand up. “You scare me Bernie.”

The blonde’s head jerked up, “What?”

All of the fight left Serena, “You scare me, this.” She motioned between the two of them, “it's terrifying. If… If I open up to you, if I let you in more than I have.” Her voice broke, “I’ve lost so much Bernie, everyone… everyone leaves me, everyone. I couldn’t stand if you left too, but if I walked away on my own terms maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t lose you completely.”

“Oh, Serena.” Bernie pushed back from the table and knelt in front of her, clutching her hands in hers. “If you let me in, I’ll never leave again, nothing will drag me away. I don’t want you to sacrifice your happiness because of the fear of losing me.”

“It’s selfish, trading my happiness for yours.” She shook her head. 

“Serena, my happiness is with you! My happiness is you, it’s making you happy.” Her fingers interlocked with hers. She looked into her eyes willing her to believe it. 

“What about your… your dream job?” She pulled one hand away to wipe at her tears. 

“It's not a dream without you. It’s gone, there is no job to go back to. I handed in my notice.” She croaked through her tears. “They made it quite clear there would not be a position open if I changed my mind. I’m okay with that because it means I can come back you. If you’ll still have me? ”

The awe on Serena’s face caught Bernie off guard. “What do you mean? Why do I need to forgive you? I cheated, Bernie. I cheated.”

Bernie shrugged, “Like I said it’s not insurmountable. I’m hurt, I won’t say that I’m not, but we can get through it.”

Serena’s eyes flashed, “I’m so sorry.” She crumbled, great heaving sobs wracked her body as she collapsed forward into Bernie’s arms. “I-I was so tired, I was so lonely. My body felt like it was internally combusting one minute and the next I was shivering with cold. And want. Oh God! The want. My libido. I wanted it to be you. Yet the want for...,” Serena paused. “The need for physical contact in any form… She kept coming on to me. I couldn’t… she… in the on call room.” Bernie stiffened in her arms. “She laughed at my bra.” She buried her nose in Bernie’s neck. “The cream one, with the tear from the… when we, the last time I was in Nairobi.” Bernie nodded remembering. 

She had been over eager to get Serena naked as soon as she had closed the door to her flat. She ignored Serena’s pleas to at least let her unhook her bra but Bernie had used her teeth and fingers instead. The right cup had paid the price, the top of it ripped. Afterwards, Bernie examined it sheepishly she told Serena she’d take her shopping for a new one. Instead, Serena had donned the bra with a shy smile and told her every time she put it on she would remember that night. 

“I couldn’t go any further, it felt all wrong, she smelt different, felt different, it was just wrong but in that moment I wanted her. Oh god! I’m so sorry Bernie.”

“Shh, it’ll be okay. I’m here.” She pulled back and stood up, “Come on.” She held her hand out and helped Serena to her feet. Hand in hand they walked up the stairs, taking turns at the sink, brushing teeth and washing their faces. Both stripped naked, Serena pulled on her pajamas but Bernie slid under the covers, naked as usual. Serena stayed on her side of the bed near the edge as she turned the light out. Bernie turned on her side to face her. 

“Serena?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I hold you?”

Bernie’s heart broke when she heard the sob tear from her throat. “I don’t understand why you would want to? After Elinor, after everything I put you through…then I do this.”

“Oh Serena.” Bernie moved over and pulled her close, she was relieved when she snuggled into her. “You put me through nothing, I wanted to be there with you. We’ll get help, okay? We will find someone and we will make this work.” She kissed her forehead. “I promise, I think it's high time we stop sacrificing our happiness and start living it instead.”

She felt her nod against her chest, “I’m so tired Bernie.”

“I know Darling, I know. Shhh, go to sleep now, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Promise?”

“Promise, forever and ever.” Her fingers slid through her short locks her lips kissing her forehead.


End file.
